The other night, as I left the opera, I made the poor choice of going down the alley behind the parking garage. I thought that it would take less time and I would be able to get home in time to feed my dog.
As it turned out, I would be out all night.
In that dark alley I was approached by a troubled young man who brandished a knife. He demanded my money. Little did he know that I am a card-carrying Official Sidekick of the Big Red J.
As I pummeled him with my fists of fury, I attempted to share some of our favorite scriptures. Remember issue #213, “Red J Mano a Mano”? A classic! I explained to him as I shattered his knee caps that he didn’t have to chose the dark path. Rather, he could chose to follow the Red J and use his violent tendencies for the powers of good.
He would have responded to me, but I fractured his jaw delivering the good word. As he lay crumpled on the ground before me, I took pity. He didn’t know what he was getting into when he chose to enter the alley. He certainly knew now.
I stayed with him the rest of the evening. He wasn’t going anywhere. I took the time to share with him the power of our lord and how unlike other false gods, he really exists. And his sidekicks make sure to remind us of that when we decide to another wrong!
He nodded slowly. I’m sure he was listening. When he put his hands together in prayer, I knew the job was done. I then called 911 and returned to my HQ. My dog was waiting for my but had displayed his disapproval of my tardiness by defecating on the carpet. Bad dog!
I don’t know what happened to my assailant, but I certainly hope to see him in church.
For new initiates and those well versed, welcome to Grande Friday, the spiritual e-ticket into the ultimate three-day weekend, Yeaster. Be sure to yell out all the bolded text for proper emotional upcranking.
Today is both a solemn memory file recall and a drop-it-like-its-hot celebration. Grande Friday represents strength, sacrifice, and ultimately — redemption.
It is my hope that you kicked off this week by stimulating the economy on Mall Sunday and keeping alert for the forces of evil throughout the days that followed. You’ve worked and toiled and now you’re ready for the weekend!
Grande Friday, specifically 3pm EST, is when all true believers should pause and silently remember the great battle between Lex Lucifer and the Big Red J. For although the Red J was defeated and killed by Lex , we all know that this was merely a “to-be-continued” of the highest order. Red J died on Grande Friday, but he would not remain dead.
Know this, and know that his sacrifice was not only a fulfillment of the Apostatis, but was his civic duty to protect the innocent citizens of the Earth. Do not be saddened, for he knew exactly what he was getting into, and was darn happy to do it for us.
After you have taken a “pause for the cause”, you should do two things: prepare for the glorious celebration of Yeaster by purchasing diabetes-inducing amounts of candy and watch everyone around you closely. You should be in full evil-crushing mode through the weekend. Evil is everywhere, and paranoia is encouraged.
Remember, the Big Red J is counting on you.
Welcome. The Church of the Big Red J is open to all. JOIN US AND LEARN MORE.