Pax Titanus is NOW AVAILABLE!!!

Let the Age of Titanus begin.

I am pleased to announce that my new book, PAX TITANUS, is now available for purchase!!!

PAX TITANUS is the tender tale of a four-armed, war hammer wielding, intergalactic gladiator. Think comedic space opera laced with potty humor. Did you love Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy but thought, hey –- this thing needs more dirty jokes?

I got ya covered! And if this doesn’t sound appealing, I bet you have a friend who would love it.

You can purchase PAX TITANUS right now on AMAZON: http://amzn.com/1621051641

And to make the pot a little sweeter, I got a deal for you: purchase PAX TITANUS anytime this week (until Sunday 11/23) and I’ll give you a free ebook version of my first novel LEATHER TO THE CORINTHIANS. It’s DRM free and makes a lovely gift if you already own it.

Earn this valuable prize by sharing out your Amazon Purchase of PAX TITANUS on your favorite social media.

Then, MESSAGE ME at or TAG ME with my FB page — Tom Lucas (Author) — in your post and I’ll handle the rest. If you aren’t on FB, feel free to use the Contact link in the top menu to let me know.

Two for one! Gotta love America.

Thanks for your support. If PAX does well, my future looks very bright and shiny.

Now go GET BIG!

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Getting My Ass Out To Portland.

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This week, I’m packing fake blood, my laptop, and thermals and heading out to Portland for my first writing conference in a few years. What madness could steal me from my adopted perpetual-summer home in Florida?

Muthafuckin’ BIZARROCON, that’s what.

My new book, Pax Titanus, is published by Eraserhead Press, and for its grand debut (along with the two other fantabulous New Bizarro Author Series titles) they have DEMANDED that I attend this colorful and weird annual event.

OUTRAGEOUS.

Not only do I have to stand and smile, but I’m going to have to read (I am actually going to perform an interpretive dance) to a room full of interested Bizarro authors, readers, and fans. I’ll be forced to attend illuminating workshops and eat high-quality food that (I’m assured) contains no human flesh. Party poopers.

Well, fine. Publish my book and make me travel to a kickass town, have fun, and make a shitton of new friends. Just put my head in a Fisher Price FunTime Vise. At least I have been promised a Voodoo Doughnut for my trouble.

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Being Portland, I know that there will be no shortage of coffee (MY LIFE FUEL) and it’s my intention to post up at least one report from the field. I’m looking forward to sharing my experience with you. The more people I can drag into this world, the better. My plans are to listen more than speak, soak it all up, and use what I learn to do my part to corrupt an already corrupted world.

Upon my return, I’ll be blogging all the way to the OFFICIAL release of PAX TITANUS, a book I think you’re going to really dig.

Exciting times, yes indeed.

LEARN MORE ABOUT BIZARRO FICTION:

What the hell is Bizarro Fiction?
What the hell is BizarroCon?
How long was the Hundred Years’ War?
Can I really get a STD from a toilet seat?
Don’t click on this.

Now Available! Pax Titanus T-Shirts!

In anticipation of the big book release, I have added two stupendous products to my Zazzle store. Both are shirts featuring the amazing cover art on the front:

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Then you have your choice for the back of the shirt:

FAMILY FRIENDLY:

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OR NOT-SO FRIENDLY:

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No matter which you choose, you are sure to cause a commotion. Click on the shirt you like and head on over to Zazzle for the hook-up. You might have to turn off your Zazzle Content Filter on the second shirt in order to see it on the site. They don’t like to upset the kiddies and all that.

Coming Soon: Pax Titanus by Tom Lucas

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HOLY SHIT!!!! CHECK THIS OUT!!!

Prepare to cut down on the Starbucks (or whatever expensive bad habit you have) in November because…
I HAVE A NEW BOOK COMING OUT.

Save a couple of bucks because I know you’ll want to read it (and maybe a buy a copy for a friend).

Am I pushing it???

C’mon look at that cover. How could you not want to read it?

Published by the the Bizarro Overlords at Eraserhead Press, my upcoming book, PAX TITANUS, is one of three releases from their New Bizarro Author Series, along with Brian Auspice’s DEEP BLUE and Scott Cole’s SUPERGHOST.

Read all about it here:
http://eraserheadpress.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/eraserhead-press-celebrates-its-sixth-year-of-the-new-bizarro-author-series/

Let’s BASH AND CRASH!

Updates as they happen, you motherfornicators!

The Pie Man

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Hey, have you heard about the Pie Man?
He bakes and bakes as much as he can.

He toils and broils,
Hurries and worries,
Slurries and scurries.

Yet the baking is never done.

And with that truth
We know the beast has won.

– Third stall graffiti, (2010). Men’s room. Mel’s Truck Stop; Orlando: FL.

Take a minute, my friend, and sit down beside me. There is a world beyond the world beyond the world.

A world that you can never know unless I take you there.

And take you there I must. If I don’t I will most likely bust. I can no longer wait; my pregnant tale claws its way from my lungs to my mouth.

Let me tell you about the Pie Man. Continue reading

Are You a Bizarro Book Reviewer?

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I’m still under NDA, but just between you and me and the Internet, I have a new book coming out in a few weeks.

I AM DYING TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT….HAVE TO WAIT JUST A BIT LONGER…

My publisher has given me a PDF version for distributing to reviewers. I’m curious if anyone out there in WordPress-land (and the greater WordPress-land area) might be interested? I’m looking for folks with book review blogs and the like.

Quick facts:

It’s a novella. You can read it in an afternoon.

It’s the tender story of a four-armed war hammer wielding intergalactic gladiator. Think comedic space opera laced with potty humor.

Interested? Reply below to secure your review copy today.

Photo Credit: pedrosimoes7 via Compfight cc

You Know You’re Jealous.

I looked in the mirror today, and I was really quite surprised.

Turns out my head is a little pumpkin with small coils of wire protruding out, conducting purple electricity like veins pump blood.

How have I never noticed this before? How could I possibly have a small pumpkin head?

Clearly evolution will not provide any illumination in this matter. Experts might study me, but they will merely mumble and hedge about, unable to make any conclusions.

My head is simply a little pumpkin.

Debates could rage, courts could hold trials and testimony would establish nothing but the most minimal facts in this case.

Simply put, my head is a little pumpkin.
Not a squash.
Not a tuber.
Definitely not a legume.
Not like any other fruit, vegetable, or flower.

Only a pumpkin, which I think makes it a gourd. If you want to be technical about it.

That’s my head.

And all these wires sprouting out from it in a Medusa-like fashion? What the hell are they there for? This is starting to stress me out. I’ll probably get hives.

What would happen if I, or a friend, an enemy, or a curious stranger were to pluck one of these wires from my pumpkin head?

Would I die?
Would I convulse?
Would I simply smile and say, “What was that for, dear chum?”

For all this conjecture, let’s not and say we did. I’m somewhat worried about the whole situation, and I should probably calm down a bit.

I think I told you, this is a recent development. At least I think so. No one has ever told me and I honestly never thought to look. Imagine my embarrassment. Imagine the feeling that you may have been going through life with a pumpkin head and no one has ever had the courage to say anything to you.

What will the guys at work say? What sort of shame will my parents feel? How could I have never noticed this before? How will I get through this? What are the five stages?

Shock, Denial, Depression, Acceptance, and Thanksgiving? Is that how it goes? It’s going to take some time. Can you feel my pain? It’s OK, I don’t need your endless sympathy. I can figure this out.

I imagine that life with a pumpkin head will really not be all that different than life with a regular head. I bet that people won’t even notice, or be too afraid to say a thing.

Maybe at parties I’ll say, “I’ll bet the last thing you expected to see at the party was a guy with a pumpkin for a head.”

Or maybe I’ll say, “Go ahead and touch it. You know you want to.”

That’ll break the ice for sure!

I just don’t want people to see me as different. Pumpkin head, regular head – it’s all just the same.

I expect that some people will probably just burn in envy silently as they admire my pumpkin head, but I don’t want that. I want them to feel good about themselves. I might be a guy with a little pumpkin head, but really, I’m no different than anyone else.

Funny, I thought I would be much more upset about this whole thing, but writing it down made me feel a lot better about it.

Thank god it’s almost Halloween.