Are You a Bizarro Book Reviewer?


I’m still under NDA, but just between you and me and the Internet, I have a new book coming out in a few weeks.


My publisher has given me a PDF version for distributing to reviewers. I’m curious if anyone out there in WordPress-land (and the greater WordPress-land area) might be interested? I’m looking for folks with book review blogs and the like.

Quick facts:

It’s a novella. You can read it in an afternoon.

It’s the tender story of a four-armed war hammer wielding intergalactic gladiator. Think comedic space opera laced with potty humor.

Interested? Reply below to secure your review copy today.

Photo Credit: pedrosimoes7 via Compfight cc

You Know You’re Jealous.

I looked in the mirror today, and I was really quite surprised.

Turns out my head is a little pumpkin with small coils of wire protruding out, conducting purple electricity like veins pump blood.

How have I never noticed this before? How could I possibly have a small pumpkin head?

Clearly evolution will not provide any illumination in this matter. Experts might study me, but they will merely mumble and hedge about, unable to make any conclusions.

My head is simply a little pumpkin.

Debates could rage, courts could hold trials and testimony would establish nothing but the most minimal facts in this case.

Simply put, my head is a little pumpkin.
Not a squash.
Not a tuber.
Definitely not a legume.
Not like any other fruit, vegetable, or flower.

Only a pumpkin, which I think makes it a gourd. If you want to be technical about it.

That’s my head.

And all these wires sprouting out from it in a Medusa-like fashion? What the hell are they there for? This is starting to stress me out. I’ll probably get hives.

What would happen if I, or a friend, an enemy, or a curious stranger were to pluck one of these wires from my pumpkin head?

Would I die?
Would I convulse?
Would I simply smile and say, “What was that for, dear chum?”

For all this conjecture, let’s not and say we did. I’m somewhat worried about the whole situation, and I should probably calm down a bit.

I think I told you, this is a recent development. At least I think so. No one has ever told me and I honestly never thought to look. Imagine my embarrassment. Imagine the feeling that you may have been going through life with a pumpkin head and no one has ever had the courage to say anything to you.

What will the guys at work say? What sort of shame will my parents feel? How could I have never noticed this before? How will I get through this? What are the five stages?

Shock, Denial, Depression, Acceptance, and Thanksgiving? Is that how it goes? It’s going to take some time. Can you feel my pain? It’s OK, I don’t need your endless sympathy. I can figure this out.

I imagine that life with a pumpkin head will really not be all that different than life with a regular head. I bet that people won’t even notice, or be too afraid to say a thing.

Maybe at parties I’ll say, “I’ll bet the last thing you expected to see at the party was a guy with a pumpkin for a head.”

Or maybe I’ll say, “Go ahead and touch it. You know you want to.”

That’ll break the ice for sure!

I just don’t want people to see me as different. Pumpkin head, regular head – it’s all just the same.

I expect that some people will probably just burn in envy silently as they admire my pumpkin head, but I don’t want that. I want them to feel good about themselves. I might be a guy with a little pumpkin head, but really, I’m no different than anyone else.

Funny, I thought I would be much more upset about this whole thing, but writing it down made me feel a lot better about it.

Thank god it’s almost Halloween.


Like a sea of maggots
So does this place appear
So vile on the onset
A horrifyingly ugly beginning.

Witness the early lives forming
Destined to be flies that feed on shit
Without a choice but by design
And certainly by fate.

An unfortunate time to choose
A toxic pathogen in concept
Killing slowly killing quickly
Closing its hands around my neck.

Escape is not an open door
Escape is not a step away
Escape is only a concept
Filled with static, clogged with doubt.

A futile flight from the dung heaps
Gasping for relief begging for help
Denied by the nature of things
My first mistake was my last.


Last week, the new Superman movie came out. It’s called “Man of Steel” and it stars Henry Cavill (who’s from England) as an alien super-powered messiah who helps Americans with an evil general who’s also not from Earth. By saving Americans, he saves the world. So far it makes good sense.

Now, I know who Superman is. I’m sure you do too. I also know that the last time there was a decent Superman movie at the picture show, Christopher Reeve was filling those tights. It’s been a downward spiral ever since.

This Man of Steel movie is doing big business…166 million smackers and still counting. People are lining up to see this “man” who is “super” save the world. He might be super, but he’s not a man. He just looks like one. He’s not human, he’s Kryptonian. So what we have here is a being who’s a man in appearance, but god-like in his abilities.

Here’s a picture from the film:



Notice how they play up the spiritual aspect of his character with the dramatic, heavenly light behind him. Wonderful. It’s pretty clear that this is an attempt to manipulate you into thinking of him as some kind of savior. But he’s not. He’s fictional. He’s not going to save you from anything. So don’t call out to Superman, he’s not going to hear you. He doesn’t have ears.

There has been a fair bit of chatter about how this “Man of Steel” movie is trying to make people think about Jesus. Now, I haven’t seen the movie yet, mainly because I have been spending long hours in our food bank kitchen trying this new recipe for Rock Soup that I found on the Internet. Supposedly if you do it right, it will feed an army. And with this economy, I’ve got an army to feed. I’ve never seen so many people out of work and hungry, except for maybe back during the Writer’s Strike of ’07-’08. They were better dressed than the ramshackle souls that loiter out in front of the church.

But back to business here. What these shrewd Hollywood Brainiacs are trying to do is supplant any belief in “Jesus is Lord” with the idea that Superman is the actual Jesus you need to believe in. Jesus is Jesus, Superman is Superman. Let’s take a look at Jesus for a minute:



I tried to find a photograph of Jesus, but I guess they don’t have any. Regardless, you can see now what they are trying to do, right? See? Jesus is backlit as well. In fact, in most depictions he has a glowing, heavenly light behind him too.

It should be pretty clear to you now. The “Man of Steel” is not JESUS. I could go on as I have studied Theology (I am only a dissertation away from my PhD) and I have been an avid comic collector my whole life. But I think I will save that for a conference paper proposal or nifty cocktail party conversation.

Regardless, I think we can all agree that Jesus is JESUS and Superman is SUPERMAN. Moving on.

This whole comparison and the subsequent conversation that has come out of it…just check out the movie review sites…is MOOT. What we are really seeing here is a strong desire in the modern faith seeker for a messiah that can kick some butt and look good in blue pajamas. And that’s why I’m here today. I know what ails you. I know that you want a god to believe in. I know you want a god that can fly faster than a speeding bullet, leap tall buildings in a single bound, crush evil with his fists, and present a modern hair style with a bit of swag.

What I am here to tell you today is that there is such a god to believe in…THE BIG RED J. He’s exactly what you are looking for…not JESUS…not SUPERMAN…but the best of both worlds. JOIN US and get involved in exciting adventures and fight evil villains.

Come down to the church today and I’ll set you up with a bowl of Rock Soup and I will share the GOOD NEWS with you. If you don’t have the time to spare, I suggest you pick up a copy of our sacred text, Leather to the Corinthians. All the answers you seek are there. Click on this link to order it: ORDER HERE.


Letter From an Aspiring Sidekick

Recently, a letter arrived at the church.

The first surprise was the fact that it was a letter. We don’t see many of these quaint, backwards forms of communication anymore. We are all about our Telepathic Energy Shots, Facebook and Twitter over here.

Anyway, It was in a brittle, yellowed envelope and written in crayon. I thought I would share it with you today, because it truly speaks for all of us.

Written by a 7 year-old boy, it asks a question that we should ask ourselves…


Dear Church of the Big Red J,

My name is Johnny Wetpants. I am a little boy living in the slums of Sweatropolis. Every day I see bad men and women do bad things. I barely have enough to eat, and my school is scary. My parents are on drugs and my grandmother likes to hit me with a wire clothes hanger.

I don’t know what to do. I am worried. I am very unhappy. The comics tell me that the Big Red J will always save the day, but I don’t see him anywhere. What can I do to get him to help? I’m willing to do anything.

I just want the world to be happy, not sad.

Signed, Jonny Wetpants

As Jonny didn’t bother to leave us with a return address, and because the letter was dated April 20, 1958, we had no way of writing him back. If Jonny happens to be reading this today, we hope our advice helps.

Dear Jonny,

Thank you for taking the time to write. We very much enjoyed your use of thick, blunt crayons in your letter. Between the smeared wax and your serial killer style handwriting, it was a tedious three weeks of decoding your simple plea. Next time, just write in Cuneiform.

Now then…it’s clear to us that you already understand that the world is a terrible place filled with evil. It’s lurking in the heart of every man, hiding behind every corner, and is just waiting for its moment to take you and destroy your life.

You have every reason to be scared. The world is a scary place and it has no tolerance for weakness.

You say that you have been praying to the Red J, but he has yet to appear and help you. This is easy to answer. There’s one of many possible scenarios going on here:

  • He’s too busy to help right now, he’ll get back to you.
  • He’s off planet, visiting the shattered ruins of his homeworld.
  • He’s determined that your problem isn’t important enough to deal with.
  • He’s out having a nutritious snack.
  • He doesn’t like you and is glad you’re suffering.
  • He wants you to learn to handle things on your own.

It could be any one of these things. That part isn’t important. What is important is that you take matters into your own hands. You may be only 7 years old, but you can be an Official Sidekick of the Red J with just a little bit of bravery and a general lack of common sense.

The Red J helps those who help themselves. Find a snappy outfit and go talk to those bad people. See if you can’t change their minds. If they are still evil after you talk to them, punch them in the ear.

If you’re hungry, steal food from the rich. They have more than enough. They are probably big fat pigs.

Your school is scary? Well, it will be a little less scary with an Official SIdekick patrolling its hallways. Get to it. Beat up those bullies, report the tardy ones, and become the ultimate teacher’s pet.

Your parents are on drugs? Call the police. Get into a high-quality foster home or orphanage. These are really fun places and you’ll like the people there a lot.

Grandmother is beating you? Grab that wire hanger and give her a taste of her own medicine. KA-POW.

Thanks for writing Jonny, and keep up the good fight.

You are your own hero.

The other night, as I left the opera, I made the poor choice of going down the alley behind the parking garage. I thought that it would take less time and I would be able to get home in time to feed my dog.

As it turned out, I would be out all night.

In that dark alley I was approached by a troubled young man who brandished a knife. He demanded my money. Little did he know that I am a card-carrying Official Sidekick of the Big Red J.

As I pummeled him with my fists of fury, I attempted to share some of our favorite scriptures. Remember issue #213, “Red J Mano a Mano”? A classic! I explained to him as I shattered his knee caps that he didn’t have to chose the dark path. Rather, he could chose to follow the Red J and use his violent tendencies for the powers of good.

He would have responded to me, but I fractured his jaw delivering the good word. As he lay crumpled on the ground before me, I took pity. He didn’t know what he was getting into when he chose to enter the alley. He certainly knew now.

I stayed with him the rest of the evening. He wasn’t going anywhere. I took the time to share with him the power of our lord and how unlike other false gods, he really exists. And his sidekicks make sure to remind us of that when we decide to another wrong!

He nodded slowly. I’m sure he was listening. When he put his hands together in prayer, I knew the job was done. I then called 911 and returned to my HQ. My dog was waiting for my but had displayed his disapproval of my tardiness by defecating on the carpet. Bad dog!

I don’t know what happened to my assailant, but I certainly hope to see him in church.

Grande Friday is Here! Rejoice!

super-jesus-clip-artSidekicks Assemble!

For new initiates and those well versed, welcome to Grande Friday, the spiritual e-ticket into the ultimate three-day weekend, Yeaster. Be sure to yell out all the bolded text for proper emotional upcranking.


Today is both a solemn memory file recall and a drop-it-like-its-hot celebration. Grande Friday represents strength, sacrifice, and ultimately — redemption.

It is my hope that you kicked off this week by stimulating the economy on Mall Sunday and keeping alert for the forces of evil throughout the days that followed. You’ve worked and toiled and now you’re ready for the weekend!


Grande Friday, specifically 3pm EST, is when all true believers should pause and silently remember the great battle between Lex Lucifer and the Big Red J. For although the Red J was defeated and killed by Lex , we all know that this was merely a “to-be-continued” of the highest order. Red J died on Grande Friday, but he would not remain dead.

Know this, and know that his sacrifice was not only a fulfillment of the Apostatis, but was his civic duty to protect the innocent citizens of the Earth. Do not be saddened, for he knew exactly what he was getting into, and was darn happy to do it for us.


After you have taken a “pause for the cause”, you should do two things: prepare for the glorious celebration of Yeaster by purchasing diabetes-inducing amounts of candy and watch everyone around you closely. You should be in full evil-crushing mode through the weekend. Evil is everywhere, and paranoia is encouraged.

Remember, the Big Red J is counting on you.