I looked in the mirror today, and I was really quite surprised.
Turns out my head is a little pumpkin with small coils of wire protruding out, conducting purple electricity like veins pump blood.
How have I never noticed this before? How could I possibly have a small pumpkin head?
Clearly evolution will not provide any illumination in this matter. Experts might study me, but they will merely mumble and hedge about, unable to make any conclusions.
My head is simply a little pumpkin.
Debates could rage, courts could hold trials and testimony would establish nothing but the most minimal facts in this case.
Simply put, my head is a little pumpkin.
Not a squash.
Not a tuber.
Definitely not a legume.
Not like any other fruit, vegetable, or flower.
Only a pumpkin, which I think makes it a gourd. If you want to be technical about it.
That’s my head.
And all these wires sprouting out from it in a Medusa-like fashion? What the hell are they there for? This is starting to stress me out. I’ll probably get hives.
What would happen if I, or a friend, an enemy, or a curious stranger were to pluck one of these wires from my pumpkin head?
Would I die?
Would I convulse?
Would I simply smile and say, “What was that for, dear chum?”
For all this conjecture, let’s not and say we did. I’m somewhat worried about the whole situation, and I should probably calm down a bit.
I think I told you, this is a recent development. At least I think so. No one has ever told me and I honestly never thought to look. Imagine my embarrassment. Imagine the feeling that you may have been going through life with a pumpkin head and no one has ever had the courage to say anything to you.
What will the guys at work say? What sort of shame will my parents feel? How could I have never noticed this before? How will I get through this? What are the five stages?
Shock, Denial, Depression, Acceptance, and Thanksgiving? Is that how it goes? It’s going to take some time. Can you feel my pain? It’s OK, I don’t need your endless sympathy. I can figure this out.
I imagine that life with a pumpkin head will really not be all that different than life with a regular head. I bet that people won’t even notice, or be too afraid to say a thing.
Maybe at parties I’ll say, “I’ll bet the last thing you expected to see at the party was a guy with a pumpkin for a head.”
Or maybe I’ll say, “Go ahead and touch it. You know you want to.”
That’ll break the ice for sure!
I just don’t want people to see me as different. Pumpkin head, regular head – it’s all just the same.
I expect that some people will probably just burn in envy silently as they admire my pumpkin head, but I don’t want that. I want them to feel good about themselves. I might be a guy with a little pumpkin head, but really, I’m no different than anyone else.
Funny, I thought I would be much more upset about this whole thing, but writing it down made me feel a lot better about it.
Thank god it’s almost Halloween.