You Know You’re Jealous.

I looked in the mirror today, and I was really quite surprised.

Turns out my head is a little pumpkin with small coils of wire protruding out, conducting purple electricity like veins pump blood.

How have I never noticed this before? How could I possibly have a small pumpkin head?

Clearly evolution will not provide any illumination in this matter. Experts might study me, but they will merely mumble and hedge about, unable to make any conclusions.

My head is simply a little pumpkin.

Debates could rage, courts could hold trials and testimony would establish nothing but the most minimal facts in this case.

Simply put, my head is a little pumpkin.
Not a squash.
Not a tuber.
Definitely not a legume.
Not like any other fruit, vegetable, or flower.

Only a pumpkin, which I think makes it a gourd. If you want to be technical about it.

That’s my head.

And all these wires sprouting out from it in a Medusa-like fashion? What the hell are they there for? This is starting to stress me out. I’ll probably get hives.

What would happen if I, or a friend, an enemy, or a curious stranger were to pluck one of these wires from my pumpkin head?

Would I die?
Would I convulse?
Would I simply smile and say, “What was that for, dear chum?”

For all this conjecture, let’s not and say we did. I’m somewhat worried about the whole situation, and I should probably calm down a bit.

I think I told you, this is a recent development. At least I think so. No one has ever told me and I honestly never thought to look. Imagine my embarrassment. Imagine the feeling that you may have been going through life with a pumpkin head and no one has ever had the courage to say anything to you.

What will the guys at work say? What sort of shame will my parents feel? How could I have never noticed this before? How will I get through this? What are the five stages?

Shock, Denial, Depression, Acceptance, and Thanksgiving? Is that how it goes? It’s going to take some time. Can you feel my pain? It’s OK, I don’t need your endless sympathy. I can figure this out.

I imagine that life with a pumpkin head will really not be all that different than life with a regular head. I bet that people won’t even notice, or be too afraid to say a thing.

Maybe at parties I’ll say, “I’ll bet the last thing you expected to see at the party was a guy with a pumpkin for a head.”

Or maybe I’ll say, “Go ahead and touch it. You know you want to.”

That’ll break the ice for sure!

I just don’t want people to see me as different. Pumpkin head, regular head – it’s all just the same.

I expect that some people will probably just burn in envy silently as they admire my pumpkin head, but I don’t want that. I want them to feel good about themselves. I might be a guy with a little pumpkin head, but really, I’m no different than anyone else.

Funny, I thought I would be much more upset about this whole thing, but writing it down made me feel a lot better about it.

Thank god it’s almost Halloween.

Advertisements

I Am SCUM

Like a sea of maggots
So does this place appear
So vile on the onset
A horrifyingly ugly beginning.

Witness the early lives forming
Destined to be flies that feed on shit
Without a choice but by design
And certainly by fate.

An unfortunate time to choose
A toxic pathogen in concept
Killing slowly killing quickly
Closing its hands around my neck.

Escape is not an open door
Escape is not a step away
Escape is only a concept
Filled with static, clogged with doubt.

A futile flight from the dung heaps
Gasping for relief begging for help
Denied by the nature of things
My first mistake was my last.

The MAN OF STEEL is not JESUS.

Last week, the new Superman movie came out. It’s called “Man of Steel” and it stars Henry Cavill (who’s from England) as an alien super-powered messiah who helps Americans with an evil general who’s also not from Earth. By saving Americans, he saves the world. So far it makes good sense.

Now, I know who Superman is. I’m sure you do too. I also know that the last time there was a decent Superman movie at the picture show, Christopher Reeve was filling those tights. It’s been a downward spiral ever since.

This Man of Steel movie is doing big business…166 million smackers and still counting. People are lining up to see this “man” who is “super” save the world. He might be super, but he’s not a man. He just looks like one. He’s not human, he’s Kryptonian. So what we have here is a being who’s a man in appearance, but god-like in his abilities.

Here’s a picture from the film:

man_of_steel_henry_cavill-wide

 

Notice how they play up the spiritual aspect of his character with the dramatic, heavenly light behind him. Wonderful. It’s pretty clear that this is an attempt to manipulate you into thinking of him as some kind of savior. But he’s not. He’s fictional. He’s not going to save you from anything. So don’t call out to Superman, he’s not going to hear you. He doesn’t have ears.

There has been a fair bit of chatter about how this “Man of Steel” movie is trying to make people think about Jesus. Now, I haven’t seen the movie yet, mainly because I have been spending long hours in our food bank kitchen trying this new recipe for Rock Soup that I found on the Internet. Supposedly if you do it right, it will feed an army. And with this economy, I’ve got an army to feed. I’ve never seen so many people out of work and hungry, except for maybe back during the Writer’s Strike of ’07-’08. They were better dressed than the ramshackle souls that loiter out in front of the church.

But back to business here. What these shrewd Hollywood Brainiacs are trying to do is supplant any belief in “Jesus is Lord” with the idea that Superman is the actual Jesus you need to believe in. Jesus is Jesus, Superman is Superman. Let’s take a look at Jesus for a minute:

unnamed

 

I tried to find a photograph of Jesus, but I guess they don’t have any. Regardless, you can see now what they are trying to do, right? See? Jesus is backlit as well. In fact, in most depictions he has a glowing, heavenly light behind him too.

It should be pretty clear to you now. The “Man of Steel” is not JESUS. I could go on as I have studied Theology (I am only a dissertation away from my PhD) and I have been an avid comic collector my whole life. But I think I will save that for a conference paper proposal or nifty cocktail party conversation.

Regardless, I think we can all agree that Jesus is JESUS and Superman is SUPERMAN. Moving on.

This whole comparison and the subsequent conversation that has come out of it…just check out the movie review sites…is MOOT. What we are really seeing here is a strong desire in the modern faith seeker for a messiah that can kick some butt and look good in blue pajamas. And that’s why I’m here today. I know what ails you. I know that you want a god to believe in. I know you want a god that can fly faster than a speeding bullet, leap tall buildings in a single bound, crush evil with his fists, and present a modern hair style with a bit of swag.

What I am here to tell you today is that there is such a god to believe in…THE BIG RED J. He’s exactly what you are looking for…not JESUS…not SUPERMAN…but the best of both worlds. JOIN US and get involved in exciting adventures and fight evil villains.

Come down to the church today and I’ll set you up with a bowl of Rock Soup and I will share the GOOD NEWS with you. If you don’t have the time to spare, I suggest you pick up a copy of our sacred text, Leather to the Corinthians. All the answers you seek are there. Click on this link to order it: ORDER HERE.