The other night, as I left the opera, I made the poor choice of going down the alley behind the parking garage. I thought that it would take less time and I would be able to get home in time to feed my dog.

As it turned out, I would be out all night.

In that dark alley I was approached by a troubled young man who brandished a knife. He demanded my money. Little did he know that I am a card-carrying Official Sidekick of the Big Red J.

As I pummeled him with my fists of fury, I attempted to share some of our favorite scriptures. Remember issue #213, “Red J Mano a Mano”? A classic! I explained to him as I shattered his knee caps that he didn’t have to chose the dark path. Rather, he could chose to follow the Red J and use his violent tendencies for the powers of good.

He would have responded to me, but I fractured his jaw delivering the good word. As he lay crumpled on the ground before me, I took pity. He didn’t know what he was getting into when he chose to enter the alley. He certainly knew now.

I stayed with him the rest of the evening. He wasn’t going anywhere. I took the time to share with him the power of our lord and how unlike other false gods, he really exists. And his sidekicks make sure to remind us of that when we decide to another wrong!

He nodded slowly. I’m sure he was listening. When he put his hands together in prayer, I knew the job was done. I then called 911 and returned to my HQ. My dog was waiting for my but had displayed his disapproval of my tardiness by defecating on the carpet. Bad dog!

I don’t know what happened to my assailant, but I certainly hope to see him in church.