Letter From an Aspiring Sidekick

Recently, a letter arrived at the church.

The first surprise was the fact that it was a letter. We don’t see many of these quaint, backwards forms of communication anymore. We are all about our Telepathic Energy Shots, Facebook and Twitter over here.

Anyway, It was in a brittle, yellowed envelope and written in crayon. I thought I would share it with you today, because it truly speaks for all of us.

Written by a 7 year-old boy, it asks a question that we should ask ourselves…

 

Dear Church of the Big Red J,

My name is Johnny Wetpants. I am a little boy living in the slums of Sweatropolis. Every day I see bad men and women do bad things. I barely have enough to eat, and my school is scary. My parents are on drugs and my grandmother likes to hit me with a wire clothes hanger.

I don’t know what to do. I am worried. I am very unhappy. The comics tell me that the Big Red J will always save the day, but I don’t see him anywhere. What can I do to get him to help? I’m willing to do anything.

I just want the world to be happy, not sad.

Signed, Jonny Wetpants

As Jonny didn’t bother to leave us with a return address, and because the letter was dated April 20, 1958, we had no way of writing him back. If Jonny happens to be reading this today, we hope our advice helps.

Dear Jonny,

Thank you for taking the time to write. We very much enjoyed your use of thick, blunt crayons in your letter. Between the smeared wax and your serial killer style handwriting, it was a tedious three weeks of decoding your simple plea. Next time, just write in Cuneiform.

Now then…it’s clear to us that you already understand that the world is a terrible place filled with evil. It’s lurking in the heart of every man, hiding behind every corner, and is just waiting for its moment to take you and destroy your life.

You have every reason to be scared. The world is a scary place and it has no tolerance for weakness.

You say that you have been praying to the Red J, but he has yet to appear and help you. This is easy to answer. There’s one of many possible scenarios going on here:

  • He’s too busy to help right now, he’ll get back to you.
  • He’s off planet, visiting the shattered ruins of his homeworld.
  • He’s determined that your problem isn’t important enough to deal with.
  • He’s out having a nutritious snack.
  • He doesn’t like you and is glad you’re suffering.
  • He wants you to learn to handle things on your own.

It could be any one of these things. That part isn’t important. What is important is that you take matters into your own hands. You may be only 7 years old, but you can be an Official Sidekick of the Red J with just a little bit of bravery and a general lack of common sense.

The Red J helps those who help themselves. Find a snappy outfit and go talk to those bad people. See if you can’t change their minds. If they are still evil after you talk to them, punch them in the ear.

If you’re hungry, steal food from the rich. They have more than enough. They are probably big fat pigs.

Your school is scary? Well, it will be a little less scary with an Official SIdekick patrolling its hallways. Get to it. Beat up those bullies, report the tardy ones, and become the ultimate teacher’s pet.

Your parents are on drugs? Call the police. Get into a high-quality foster home or orphanage. These are really fun places and you’ll like the people there a lot.

Grandmother is beating you? Grab that wire hanger and give her a taste of her own medicine. KA-POW.

Thanks for writing Jonny, and keep up the good fight.

You are your own hero.

The other night, as I left the opera, I made the poor choice of going down the alley behind the parking garage. I thought that it would take less time and I would be able to get home in time to feed my dog.

As it turned out, I would be out all night.

In that dark alley I was approached by a troubled young man who brandished a knife. He demanded my money. Little did he know that I am a card-carrying Official Sidekick of the Big Red J.

As I pummeled him with my fists of fury, I attempted to share some of our favorite scriptures. Remember issue #213, “Red J Mano a Mano”? A classic! I explained to him as I shattered his knee caps that he didn’t have to chose the dark path. Rather, he could chose to follow the Red J and use his violent tendencies for the powers of good.

He would have responded to me, but I fractured his jaw delivering the good word. As he lay crumpled on the ground before me, I took pity. He didn’t know what he was getting into when he chose to enter the alley. He certainly knew now.

I stayed with him the rest of the evening. He wasn’t going anywhere. I took the time to share with him the power of our lord and how unlike other false gods, he really exists. And his sidekicks make sure to remind us of that when we decide to another wrong!

He nodded slowly. I’m sure he was listening. When he put his hands together in prayer, I knew the job was done. I then called 911 and returned to my HQ. My dog was waiting for my but had displayed his disapproval of my tardiness by defecating on the carpet. Bad dog!

I don’t know what happened to my assailant, but I certainly hope to see him in church.

Grande Friday is Here! Rejoice!

super-jesus-clip-artSidekicks Assemble!

For new initiates and those well versed, welcome to Grande Friday, the spiritual e-ticket into the ultimate three-day weekend, Yeaster. Be sure to yell out all the bolded text for proper emotional upcranking.

REJOICE!

Today is both a solemn memory file recall and a drop-it-like-its-hot celebration. Grande Friday represents strength, sacrifice, and ultimately — redemption.

It is my hope that you kicked off this week by stimulating the economy on Mall Sunday and keeping alert for the forces of evil throughout the days that followed. You’ve worked and toiled and now you’re ready for the weekend!

REJOICE!

Grande Friday, specifically 3pm EST, is when all true believers should pause and silently remember the great battle between Lex Lucifer and the Big Red J. For although the Red J was defeated and killed by Lex , we all know that this was merely a “to-be-continued” of the highest order. Red J died on Grande Friday, but he would not remain dead.

Know this, and know that his sacrifice was not only a fulfillment of the Apostatis, but was his civic duty to protect the innocent citizens of the Earth. Do not be saddened, for he knew exactly what he was getting into, and was darn happy to do it for us.

REJOICE!

After you have taken a “pause for the cause”, you should do two things: prepare for the glorious celebration of Yeaster by purchasing diabetes-inducing amounts of candy and watch everyone around you closely. You should be in full evil-crushing mode through the weekend. Evil is everywhere, and paranoia is encouraged.

Remember, the Big Red J is counting on you.

REJOICE!

Make a Stand Against Evil!

The first month of 2013 has come to a close. Do you have plans for this year?

The foolish sheep who believed the corrupt Mayans and their suspect calendar have been proven wrong. There’s a reason books on Mayan prophecy have been marked half-off and moved to the fiction section of Barnes & Noble. HA HA HA!

True believers, such as the Official Sidekicks of the Big Red J never had a doubt. He and the J-League have stopped world-ending plots from the very beginning.

Do no doubt. Do not despair. Our God will protect us all.

2013 is a year like any other. Evil exists everywhere, villains plot our demise, and hate lurks in the shadows. Join us in our plans to face the nefarious minions head on. We come to serve justice and chew bubble gum. And we are all out of bubble gum.

The Red J is waiting for you. Waiting for you to step-up and be a part of the solution and not the pollution. Follow HIM and the Church by clicking on the “I SUBMIT” button on the left. We’ll send you our exclusive brochure and get you on the path of righteousness.

Until next time, stay vigilant!