For new initiates and those well versed, welcome to Grande Friday, the spiritual e-ticket into the ultimate three-day weekend, Yeaster. Be sure to yell out all the bolded text for proper emotional upcranking.
Today is both a solemn memory file recall and a drop-it-like-its-hot celebration. Grande Friday represents strength, sacrifice, and ultimately — redemption.
It is my hope that you kicked off this week by stimulating the economy on Mall Sunday and keeping alert for the forces of evil throughout the days that followed. You’ve worked and toiled and now you’re ready for the weekend!
Grande Friday, specifically 3pm EST, is when all true believers should pause and silently remember the great battle between Lex Lucifer and the Big Red J. For although the Red J was defeated and killed by Lex , we all know that this was merely a “to-be-continued” of the highest order. Red J died on Grande Friday, but he would not remain dead.
Know this, and know that his sacrifice was not only a fulfillment of the Apostatis, but was his civic duty to protect the innocent citizens of the Earth. Do not be saddened, for he knew exactly what he was getting into, and was darn happy to do it for us.
After you have taken a “pause for the cause”, you should do two things: prepare for the glorious celebration of Yeaster by purchasing diabetes-inducing amounts of candy and watch everyone around you closely. You should be in full evil-crushing mode through the weekend. Evil is everywhere, and paranoia is encouraged.
Remember, the Big Red J is counting on you.